


Vanilla Twilight

by astarlightdaze



Series: The Goodbye Song [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jeremy's Getting Over It, M/M, Michael's Gone, Songfic, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 21:05:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15590697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astarlightdaze/pseuds/astarlightdaze
Summary: Jeremy's best friend killed himself. Michael's gone now. Jeremy will never see his best friend again.Jeremy's getting over it.





	Vanilla Twilight

**Author's Note:**

> If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, and/or other mental illness, you are not alone. Please contact someone if you are in danger, especially if the danger is yourself. You are loved and cared for, and deserve everyone in your life that is there for you.
> 
> The National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. It's 24/7.
> 
> Please, if you need help, don't hesitate to call someone, anyone.

Jeremy is sitting on his bed, facing the window. He’s silent, seemingly staring right through the window. His hands are curled into fists, his nails digging into his palms. Jeremy had been pulled out of class earlier in the day. He doesn’t remember much of what happened next. Right now, he doesn’t care. Nothing matters anymore. Not popularity, or relationships, or grades. Nothing. All that mattered now was that Michael, Jeremy’s best friend who he had  **abandoned** , was gone.

 

_ The stars lean down to kiss you, _

 

Jeremy knows that he could have done better. He could- no,  _ should  _ have been a better friend. He had been too wrapped up in the dream of being popular to realize that he’d hurt Michael. Worse, he’d  **left** Michael. This was all Jeremy’s fault. 

 

_ And I lie awake and miss you. _

 

Jeremy rubs at his eyes, which are red and wet with tears. Before Jeremy can think, he’s standing, walking toward his closet. He digs through the closet, carelessly tossing and shoving things out of the way. Jeremy’s vision blurs, and he wipes his eyes on his sleeve.

 

_ Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. _

 

After a moment, Jeremy’s fingers brush a shoebox. He pulls it out from under some other boxes, this box being the only one to hold anything important. The box is deposited on the bed, next to where Jeremy sits. He flips the lid open.

 

_ ‘Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly, _

 

Inside the box are many things. Jeremy begins to pull them out.

 

_ But I’ll miss your arms around me. _

 

First is a playing card. It’s a Pokémon card, the first gift Michael had ever given him. The card was the prize going to whoever won their most memorable Pokémon  match. Jeremy’s crying harder now, silent as his tears drip onto the bed. One lands on the card, and Jeremy shakily forces himself to set the card aside.

 

_ I’d send a postcard to you, dear, _

 

Next is a little pendant, half of a pixelated heart with a small loop at the top. It previously had a chain, Jeremy remembers, but the chain had been lost long ago. Jeremy bought this, half joking as he gave Michael the other half. Michael had laughed, but his face had been a little red, and he clasped the necklace around his neck anyway. 

 

_ ‘Cause I wish you were here. _

 

Jeremy gingerly picks it up and sets it next to the card on the bed.

 

_ I’ll watch the night turn light blue, _

 

The next few items are set on the bed as well, each with its own personal value. A handmade birthday card from Jeremy’s tenth birthday. A small figurine, Michael’s previous favorite and one of Jeremy’s favorite belongings. The case to the first game they had played together, the disc from it long gone.

 

_ But it’s not the same without you, _

 

Finally, Jeremy picks up the last item. His body freezes, shaking as Jeremy chokes back a sob. He holds a photo in his hands. Jeremy can’t look away. A younger Michael and Jeremy are standing side-by-side, Michael’s arm thrown across Jeremy’s shoulder and Jeremy’s hand raised in a peace sign.

 

_ Because it takes two to whisper quietly. _

 

By the time Jeremy puts everything back in the box, he is sobbing in earnest. He hears movement in the hallway, his dad pausing outside the door. Jeremy says nothing. He refuses to even glance toward the door. His dad’s footsteps are soft as he continues down the hall.

 

The next day is rough.

 

_ The silence isn’t so bad, _

 

Jeremy forces himself to get up, throwing a shirt and pants on after deciding he is too exhausted to shower. 

 

_ ‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad, _

 

Jeremy is out of school for now, needing time to grieve. His dad appears at the door, a sad look in his eyes. Jeremy wants to lay back down. He wants to roll over and ignore his dad, ignore the world and life and the absence of Michael. Jeremy’s dad leaves as Jeremy turns away. Jeremy decides he’ll think about this tomorrow instead.

 

_ ‘Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly. _

 

Jeremy doesn’t end up doing much the next few days. His very existence is numb, Jeremy’s thoughts focusing on nothing but Michael.

 

_ I’ll find repose in new ways, _

 

Michael deserved better, Jeremy thinks.

 

_ Though I haven’t slept in two days, _

 

He had deserved a best friend that loved him. A best friend that cared and showed it. A best friend that wouldn’t fail him like Jeremy had.

 

_ ‘Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. _

 

The next night, Jeremy finds himself in his backyard. His eyes are on the stars.

 

_ But drenched in vanilla twilight, _

 

He thinks of Michael. Michael, who listened to Bob Marley on loop. Michael, who stayed up all night to beat that level in Apocalypse of the Damned with Jeremy, even though he had a test the next day. Michael, who went to the nearby 7-Eleven so often that the staff new him by name. 

 

_ I’ll sit on the front porch all night, _

 

Michael, who deserved the world and only received a meeting with death, the end of his time. 

 

_ Waist deep in thought, _

 

Jeremy watched the sky as a shooting star streaked between the stars.

 

_ Because when I think of you, I don’t feel so alone. _

 

Jeremy wished Michael was there.

 

_ I don’t feel so alone. _

 

He wished Michael was by his side, pointing out constellations and laughing when Jeremy completely butchered their names.

 

_ I don’t feel so alone. _

 

Jeremy’s cheeks are wet, but that’s okay, he decides.

 

_ As many times as I blink, _

 

His best friend was gone. He would  **forever** be gone. But that was okay. 

 

_ I’ll think of you tonight. _

 

That was okay, because Jeremy knows Michael will always be with him.

 

_ I’ll think of you tonight. _

 

Michael will always be right there, in Jeremy’s heart.

 

_ When violet eyes get brighter, _

 

Jeremy’s heart… A place Michael had always been.

 

_ And heavy wings grow lighter, _

 

Jeremy doesn’t realize until this moment that Michael had never been anywhere else.

 

_ I’ll taste the sky and feel alive again. _

 

Michael had stolen Jeremy’s heart.

 

_ And I’ll forget the world that I knew, _

 

Jeremy’s chest tightened as he took in a shaky breath.

 

_ But I swear I won’t forget you. _

 

And that was okay.

 

_ Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past, _

 

Jeremy loved his best friend. He was  **so** in love with Michael.

 

_ I’d whisper in your ear, _

 

Jeremy felt himself speak for the first time in days, his voice cracking and quiet, but confident:

 

_ “Oh, darling, I wish you were here.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Jeremy will be okay. He'll move on, but he'll never forget his best friend.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
